Incoherant Ramblings Of An Insomniac

Sooo, I've been having a mammoth sized writer's stump. It's such a pity that busy things in life tend to distract you from things wanted. It is my personal goal to write much more, which I've said before but I'm serious.



By the way, I just got into a mime group. Went to a camp for a couple days and am now in a production called "Verb" it's a little rough around the edges but all the people involved are excited.. Here is a fellow actress and I. I'm on the right.





oh this is going to be funnnn.

Wow. It has been so long since I posted.

Alright, to update things since I created this journal for a reason and now promise myself to write at least once a week on it. If I don't follow through, it will be a dissapointment. Cup six of coffee; cup two of tea. Which brings me to believe I might die of heart palpatations or bladder failure sometime soon. But I think it would be worth it because this is to be a moody free post.

I recently spent 9 days in Ireland. We left late March and got home April 1st. It was the first time I was on a plane and I spent the entire time either having a panic attack or vomiting! Oh Joy and Rapture! I wasn't the only one however so that was alright. Here, look at the face of plane sickness and chuckle.:




The plane ride was awful, but I listened to mass amounts of music including Muse, Emilie Autumn, HIM, Mozart(because at one point I thought the plane was going to crash.), The Arcade Fire, David Bowie, T-Rex, The Hoosiers,etc...

Funny Story:

ME:"Ashley, were going to die arent we? ARENT WE?!?!?! I nneeed to sneak out and see IAMX in Dubline before I die! the plane is GOING DOWN *cue crying + hiccups*

Ashley: Ami, it's just turbulance, it's not even that bad. Just go to the bathroom when we can unbuckle the seatbelts and wash your face.

So the turbulance ends and I enter the restroom only to find Aunt Flo decided to come visit ON THE PLANE.

yep. it was an experience all right.

The first day was a haze of evergreens, fields, and buildings that looked absolutly stunning to the eye. The sun was blinding and the air was pure. It was amazing on sleep deprivation and endless amounts of irish tea I tried. I met a nice man there who owned a smoothie shop, talked to him with my friend for a while and after a couple of hours after our choir concert in St. Patrick's cathedral(beautiful) ran into him and his box of mangoes. He spent the remaining three days we spent in Dublin showing us the underground music stores and how not to get ripped off by tourist stores and such. His name was Nyle. The hotels became steadily more cheap with ghetto appliences as the trip went on, apparently all the money was put into the first two hotels. There were sheep everywhere. I though one was shot in the head because there was red substance all over it's face, but it was just paint or something to mark it.


Topshop is where all my budget for clothing went.


I got proposed to by a romanian gypsy on the streets of Galway.

I fell in love with this tree:




The mountains went on forever.


I could go on and on. But I stop because it's all just rambling now.



And when I got home reality sucked me back into the world of school, theatre, band, and family. woo.

just got done with Prom, the Wizard of Oz. and am currently auditioning tomarrow for a street theatre team that is composed of silent film fans.


HELL YES BUSTER KEATON. I LOVE YOU AND YOUR CRAZY EYES.

What have I gotten myself into now? The various reasons I don't ever speak to anyone arent good enough to be excuses. And for one fraction of a second, I wish I was a child again, Sure it was fucking horrible, but at least I didn't see the reality of it all, rose colored glasses ripped off and crushed under pair of cheap tennis shoes. And the fact i've left my family's church doesnt help either...although everything about that fucking religion is a delusional excuse to try and compensate for all the things you've done wrong in life, by promising another, better one. fucking ridiculous. After sixteen of listening and asking questions nothing was solved.

I remember sitting in the pews of the church as a little girl and when the priest started reciting the "apostles creed" everyone else would start to follow along until I was no longer able to understand what was being said and the deafening roar of all those people in the church scared me. I thought for those three minutes my mother was possessed or brainwashed and wouldnt acknoledge me when I said I was scared and wanted to leave, but she kept reciting the prayer like white noise to my ears and the life in her eyes seemed to grow dull to me and I never liked church. Then everyone would rush up in rows to the front to devour the so-called flesh and blood of "Jesus"-(who, for some reason, everyone thought was white, despite the fact he had lived in the middle east. I explained this to my teacher when I was nine and she said it was nonsense.) fucking idiot.At least get the ethnicity right, stop thinking your suddenly above people of a different race because your a mass consumer whore who has no self respect and let's the decisions of rich bastards decide your fate. ick.

So after sixteen years of this and feeling deep down in my gut that the catholic religion just didn't appeal to me you'd think I would have a choice in this "confirmation"<-the root of which would be to ummm....confirm you believe fully in something willing to die for it? Well, I dont and I still respect people who do, go ahead and believe in it. I envy you for being able to find solace like that, I really do. But sadly, I'm not even allowed to decide whether or not to become a catholic for the rest of my life, I am not allowed to be viewed as an adult although that is what it means, that you accept life after death and all it's ups and downs, (dont mind the pun). And I can't. It's not fair is it? So, after going to "confession" everytime I was told to and blankly telling my priest that no, I did not believe and yes, I think I should be able to be finally free in the sense that what happens when I'm here matters while everyone I love is here, not locking myself up from fun, sin, hurt, love, life, and freedom saying that I should just repent everything until I die, then, after everyone else is dead I can live eternally, but I will no longer have the quality that makes me human? The ability to have free will and make mistakes. Fuck that. Everything else is being decided for me, and as a result, I have lost all respect for my mother. Whose "reasoning" with my "foolish decision" was "Either you move with us and make your confirmation, or you stay here and make your confirmation."

Since by the time the house sells it will be the middle of my junior year and I'll finish the year if she wants me to move. I'll have to fucking start SENIOR year in a completly different school despite the fact I am activly involved in Thespians, Madrigals, Band, Choir, and French? haha, I think I'm staying here, and graduating alongside the two men (My music director and theater director) who will be my ticket to college since I dont have the money to pay for it without scholorships and huge ass student loans.

So, to deliberatly piss me off, she makes me drop French since I didn't have room in my scheduale(roar) for all of my classes and it was a choice between

A.Dropping Band-teacher has I.Q. equivelent to the offspring of a goldfish and George Bush

B.Droppig French- closly related to Spanish and Italian, which are the three main languages required to know for vocal majors and therefore, would make it easier to learn them and learn German.

C. Dropping Choir-considering I made something that I always thought was out of my league because I hate my fucking voice but cannot live without music or theater, I'm not EVER going to let her take that away from me.

so she made me drop french. DUMBASS.

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

onto next set of issues,
I'm now considered a "spoiled bitch" for not moving to a different town and having enough will power to stay with my friend's in order to graduate from this specific high school because the one she wants me to go to is focused on athletics(perfect for my sisters) ahahahahahaha! I'm about as coordinated and talented in that area as a tortoise whilst trying to claw it's way out of three feet of shit on it's back in order to beat a jaguar.

Sport's arent for me.So, I'm a spoiled bitch even though all I do is work from 6am-4pm as a cleaning lady at this elderly woman's house only to come home since mom's not home till five and take care of my six-year-old autistic brother and clean the house since my two 14, and 12 year old sister's are too fucking lazy to do anything other than have him sit on his ass and watch t.v. while they either sit on the computer or complain about how dirty it is. So I clean as much as I can before mom come's while they go out to the park or something and suddenly I'm the one who does jack shit around the house?

And my father!
He's divorced from my mother, has been since I was a wee little tot, and he thinks going around fucking all the women he wants but coming to the house(after no child support payment's and broken promises) when he feels convenient to say he, AND I QUOTE "Misses his family" but daddy, you were off paying for some other women's underwear and a trip to mexico with HER kids but you wont even look at me in the eye when your here? Also, why did we let you stay here for 4 months because you had nowhere to live since you had no where to go because your roommate moved out and the cost of the high-end apartment was too expensive? Why didn't you go over to "Shannon's house?"

fuck all of you.

I swear to everything I've ever learned about the sick, putrid existance we call life where time is merely an illusion yet you all seem to rely on it so much for the little world you've created so your mind doesn't implode from the thought  that *gasp*! You are not significant in time, we have only been here for less than 6,000 years, The earth went through billions of years without experiencing half the shit you've caused to it with your disgusting waste and more consumption while human's are over-populating the earth because the "wonders" of modern medicine fight to keep an eighty year old women to life by a machine when clearly, she's lived a full life, let her go, she signed the "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" paper's. But now the average percentage of gifted families is only 1.5% while the average low I.Q. family has FIVE CHILDREN?!? It all disgustes me. So I'm getting DNR tattoo'd on my chest so they cant! without getting their asses sued. since that's all I'll really have left to do since I want to die anyway. It doesn't matter, If the power chord to our entire house was say, chewed through by a chipmunk and the raw electricity killed it(poor thing!) and literally made all of the appliences in our house imploade and since I'm the only one up at 1:34AM because I suffer from "Chronic Depression" and insomnia is one of the "symptoms" the raw electricity would kill me and leave everyone else completly safe, that would just be ok with me. I've waited for death for three years now and I have no regrets of what I've done....

other than drinking half a bottle of rum and getting COMPLETLY AND TOTALLY caught whilst vomiting and talking incoherent nonsence because that shitty bottle was like, 40% pure alcohol I swear...that fucked me up soo bad.

Just promise me whoever read's this pathetic rant you wont convert or stay in the mainstream. Just live until there is nothing else to live for, then greet death like a long lost relative. Speak your mind, dont let them influence you at all, your too good anyone to make decisions in your life. It's yours, not theirs.

~Amoreena

p.s. Here's a bunch of stuff I wrote for you to feast your mind upon, it sucks but oh well.

UNTITLED

Renaissance Nightmares and an arson of strife, its not my fault your words hang bleeding in the night. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. Disdained eyes to a recovery novel, see how easily you begin to grovel. It's not my fault. It's not my fault.

Sigh. Breathe in and see, why im only a memory. Cry for a way to misplay all the lies youve stayed with while I never strayed.

Salvador Dali with an antiseptic knife. It's not my fault the clocks drip dying in sight. Sulk away into a fairy-tale setting of anything that refuses to start yelling.

Sigh. Breathe in and see, why i'm going to be a memory. cry for a way to misplay all the lies you've stayed with while I never strayed.

Violet fables of an evident lie. It's not my fault that you've broken all ties. One more kill to seperate the damaged from the insane. Refuse to grieve the idea of a memory. It's not my fault.

 

Please stay at my side as the winds roll in from the tides.

 

PLAGUE

I sip tea as you throw away life what a shame. You have such beautiful spite. The irredescent lies fade away in time again your my pathetic friend. Reeling from shock you turn right away. fromt the things that you'll never ever say. Such a shame my love such a waste from above. Your a leaf crushed. Barren and afraid.

When I saw what you became a little part of me left the sane. when I acknoleged this demonic change. I realized you will be the death of me, My bubonic plague.

Now it settles in and the sores arrive so soon. Well, it seems ive lost my artistic swoon. Such a pity you've come and rid me undone. Such a shame, in this light your face glows like some unknown saviors face. With such beauty and satanic grace. You'll never see, the end of me...

I cant breathe. I'm bleeding. Such a dissapointment you are. I cant sing the melody im screaming. All seems drenched in a coat of tar. This demise isnt too far....You've left me permanently scarred. The pain doesnt arrive anymore. It's growing colder such a dissapointment sweetie you are.

Death of me. Your the enemy. Scream counterfait melodies. Enemy. Surreal aristocratic sleep. Your the enemy.

ODE TO SELF HATRED

How can I know if you keep putting on this show? and how could i see through fatigue and misery?

Misanthropic I'm calling as the world falls away. Time is a lie, it's stalling the death that arrives.

Melodramatic fools crave to get attention from lies. And how will they ever see the flaws that you so carelessly hide?

Depression is shit it suffocates the living thing inside. Nothing tries to surface except the guilt and manic cries.

What have you done to her? Where is the light in eyes? And who is responsible for numbness and razorblade lies?

Dominate Pity. Your myself. You sick sadistic hell. Just listen, listen, as the tears still glisten. It's not like you care.

 The paintings that he had been so proud of for making at one point in time hung haphazardlyon the walls, showing the months of neglect through the dust that caked the outer frame. The self portrait that he had made was a mimic of what he saw in the mirror, only exaggerated and in various neon colors. The shaggy mane of black hair that he so carefully teased and sprayed framed his pointy features and accentuated the sapphire eyes that he used to both manipulate Julian and admire him. The willowy frame was now encased in his trademark skinny jeans and the neon green shirt that he had helped design inspired by Adam Ant hung loosely as he pulled his arms around himself to somehow produce comfort.

The constant work on the script and the different publicity stunts they had pulled he could handle, but was it worth seeing his best friend miserable? Last month they had gone to the premiere of Spiderman 3 posing for pictures and cracking jokes, the chemistry between the two men didn’t call for false smiles and strained laughter. The two had always been that way half the time, creativity flowing like honey and laughter ringing through the halls like a light metallic spring. Julian however, had become more and more exhausted with the media and Noel found it harder to conceal his affection by the minute.  It was all too much to bear and he decided that a good way to deal with the new tension was by pulling on his worn leather jacket that seemed to have more and more lining falling out by the minute, grabbing his keys and slamming the door behind him.

The entire reason Noel was so torn around Julian was because he found he actually loved him. Not in that “You’re my best mate let’s cuddle, but not in the gay way, just like two soldiers away from home and missing their wives” No, his fucked-up emotions had begun to twist around the sensation . Of the suffocating want that encased his heart and body and left him counting down from twenty and pretending that an erection could cause immediate death. Those sensations Noel experienced whenever Julian stood just a little too close, and then they pounced on him like an innocent shrew. That old song by Bonnie Raitt echoed in his ears and created havoc in his brain  “We laugh just a little too long, stand just a little too close, we stare just a little too long” the melody refused to leave his mind whenever Julian was around and when he walked away a rousing chorus of “Aint No Sunshine” followed, and Noel started to seriously consider whether he was sane or not. When Julian was in a good mood it made him ecstatic and full of energy that he never knew he had until it hit him in full force. The confusion of this entire situation suffocated the brief moments of happiness and left him a nervous wreck, which he currently was right now.

He would be left tuning out the shouting because it was like a broken record to him and studied Julian repeatedly, trying to memorize the features the older man possessed. His slightly bigger build and tousled chestnut hair set Noel on fire. He preferred Julian’s clean shaven look to the mustache that he wore in “The Mighty Boosh” because of the way his cheekbones stood out and his lips could curve into a smile effortlessly. He also noted the way Julian’s warm brown eyes would turn cold and stormy during a fight hurt him and also excited him in a completely different way; his fantasies of roughly throwing his best friend onto the bed and doing rather heated things turned him into an animal and he would make a show of storming off when in fact he was practically running to the bathroom to stop the growing tightness in his trousers. Noel was bitter over the fact that Julian would ever think fame had anything to do with it, but he was just too stubborn to admit it. So now, as he stood in the living room while the light grew dimmer andthe sound under Julian’s closed door died off, he was alone, and he fucking hated it.

I am currently listening to electric 6 and ordering my Robots In Disguise C.D. from Ebay. The fun begins.

 Plus, I got a puppy! oh the joys of life. His name is Ottow and he's a black lab with white paws and a white tummy, not potty trained but a smart little dog. He gets along with Maddy, my gigantic Irish Wolfhound well, she tolerates him although she's ten years his senior. 

Also, hair dye time is approaching. Bleaching the top layer and dying the bottom layer red shall be fun. 

Whilst listening to my electro mix and finishing the second chapter of my story makes me feel l ike I've accomplished alot so far. 

But back to the hair topic, I'm thinking of streghtening the bottom layer everyday and teasing the shit out of the top so I truly look worthy of Vince Noir's love. 

mwahahahaha, 


Oh,

Noel Fielding if you only knew what you do to me....

            

Oh my buddha, Today marks the last week of my performances at the Opera House for Brigadoon. Thank YOU! I cannot wait for it to end, the constant duets and musical angst...makes me want to spew my recently digested starbucks all over those happy faces. Why oh Why do I need to survive in the theatre? Oh right, because it's the only thing I CAN do. Shit. Well, at least I get to imitate my drunken father at one point....meh. What else? I bought new pants and they make me look skinnnny, oh the joys of good fitting jeans, plus the fact Ive dropped a size doesnt hurt...but alas, It's going to take a shitload of work to squeeze into a size 8, which I will accomplish by the end of this summer, even if it kills me... Tell me people, what am I supposed to do as an aspiring theater and/or classical studies major that despises musicals? I looove IFC(Independent Film Channel) and other original works of theater, but musicals are all sooo.....fake. ickle. I shall leave the answers to my dearly departed mind. Oh how I miss thee...



fuck this posting business, the computer wont let me post the journal and I am determined to post it! gggaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!

*pounds fist into computer*

oh shit.

So...I seem to sit here going out of my mind with mass amounts of boredom. And the only thing that seems to help is the voice of Robert Smith and his song "Lovecats" echoing in my brain as I type;but that's not that important. 

Behold the different beautiful faces of talent..


     Noel Fielding:
One half of the "Mighty Boosh" he never ceases to amaze me. I discovered this raven haired mess whilst watching "The Big Fat Quiz Of the Year" Now, I am an American(I'm not proud of it either) and now understand fully why British Humor is so much more funny than american humor. The obsession with this comedian isnt going to die out soon and I can guarentee that any Boosh fan can relate when I say that my friends sometimes contemplate having a bottle of chloroform with them at all times just to shut me up about the soup song or Old Gregg. Sometimes it takes them various threats and the rejection of giving me caffeine. None the less, I am in debt to Noel Fielding's talent.


           Ville Valo:
The lead singer of the Finnish Love-Metal Band HIM has stolen my heart and mind ever since I heard the song "Join Me" on the soundtrack to Resident Evil that I bought on a whim...Needless to say I dont regret it. His chain-smoking has added to the sultry vocals that he adds to the band. I have made it a habit to celebrate his birthday to everyone I know (Nov. 22) dressing up in a black woolen beanie and proclaiming my love for him. I highly encourage everyone to go out and buy any album as they are all solid gold, or go overboard like I did and buy all six like I did. mwahahahahaha.


       Clint Eastwood:
Where the crap do I start? oh mon dieu....My strange fascination with the rugged actor goes on forever... of course now he's older than my father but that's not the point, I still love him. hahaha. Clint Eastwood is a pure Genius, I need say no more.


                    Julian Barratt(Left):
It pisses me off to no end that there are virtually no pictures of this beautiful man alone. Or at least not within my reach. ickle, As the other half to the Mighty Boosh alongside Noel Julian shows his hysterical character of Howard Moon the jazz maverick and accomplishes much more than I could ever hope to. Although I dont really appreciate the mustache he is a beautiful man and the fact that Noel and him are polar oppisites just adds to their chemistry. ahahaa I do admit they would make a pretty couple (BSH)<- my dirty little secret. 



        Cillian Murphy:
this drop dead gorgeous actor has been seen in Batman but I prefer the IFC movie "On the  Edge" In which he plays a man who attempts suicide and ends up in a psychiactric ward in order to overcome his hatred for life. I admire him deeply.


I shall post more soon, I'm getting kicked off the computer currently...

Today marks the first day I am on Livejournal. Which obviously confuses me,  If there is anyone who knows what the purpose of this is, can you tell me? I would greatly appreciate it.